The fear of fear and loneliness are pervasive. The control these two debilitating emotions have over my life is embarrassing and well, gross. I don’t really share, but I’m sure I’m showing this to those around me. I’ve never been very good at keeping my cards close to my chest. My arm hurts. My foot hurts. I’m fucking sick of it. I’m annoyed by the emotional cliff diving. By the lack of challenging, well, thought-provoking, experiences in my day to day life. I miss actively learning. And I’m not referring to the insidious life lessons, but to the regular problem solving and flexing my muscles. I have a need to problem solve at work, but I have almost no control which makes problem solving difficult.

I find myself in a near constant state of longing and a lack of understanding as to how I can quell this emotion. What do I want? and, how do I get it? Seem to be ever present questions. I want stability, I want to be known, I want to make a difference, I want to love and be loved with equal amazing vigor. I want to be the person I imagine I am. To be strong and sweet, vivacious and charming, genuinely kind but not a doormat. I want to know myself and to be ok with that and to let others know who I am, but to also learn how to protect myself. I want to understand hurtful things without feeling the pain for too long. I want to be healthy.

I want to let go. Of the outcome, the reaction, of him, of needing their acceptance or to the answer to “why”.

My place is small. An almost perfect little artist’s studio. Currently messy as shit, clean clothes carpet the floor, my paintings cover most of the walls and I find myself scouring the internet trying to find other cool stuff. I once heard someone say that it looked like their personality exploded all over their apartment; I want my place to look like that. Too much going on, but still perfect. I’m not sure how to balance the different facets of my personality, do I find a middle ground or am I super (Midwestern) surfer one day and preppy lady the next? My moods tend to change during the day and who I feel like in the morning might not be quite right by lunchtime. What’s a lady to do?